I have gone back and forth in my life in so many instances, in so many ways. The spiritual journey pulls me in. I stubbornly pull myself out, only to be drawn in again.
My obstinance and frustration; sometimes I just want it to let me go. Let me live my life, will you? I’m done here. It was all just a bunch of foolishness anyway.
Then, some book, some word, some inkling, some inspiration, some difficulty, and there I am, seeking again. Trying to discover the greater part of myself that might one day lose itself in the rapture of unconditional love.
Why? I have asked myself. Why won’t it just let me go? What is it about me that makes me a seeker?
Actually, nothing at all. It isn’t about me. It was never about me.
God, the great prodigal, it’s God who keeps drawing me in.
But why am I calling God a prodigal? Isn’t that like the bad son who went off and squandered everything he had to licentiousness and greed?
Actually, the word prodigal, as Vincent Pizzuto has clarified, more broadly implies “giving something away on a lavish scale.”
Yes, the son was reckless and wasteful, but it was the father who gave the son everything without question in the first place. It was the father who lavished the son with compassion when he returned. It was the father who put the ring on his finger and killed the fatted calf.
In the same sense, while it seems like I’m doing the seeking, really it’s God who is ever seeking me. God, pouring Grace upon Grace, drawing me near, lavishing me with love and compassion. How can I but yearn for the Divine embrace?
A force, much greater than me, ever calling, ever drawing me closer. No wonder I can’t help but be a seeker with a prodigal father such as mine.
What, then, can I say?
Thank you, Lord, for never giving up on me, your prodigal daughter. Confused and wasteful as I am, you are ever there to lift me up again into the arms of pure and everlasting love.
I know, right? It’s God within us doing the seeking. He ain’t about to let us go, oh no, no way. He has brought us THIS far. Thank you Lord! Thank you for never giving up on us. Ever!
Yes, indeed. Thank you, Lord.
This is a delightful, important read! Thank you. I loved it.
Thanks, Roger. I’m so happy to hear that.
Yes this speaks to me…i feel no real interest in any of the spiritual practices, drawn from different traditions, but of a universal nature that I have used for many years, just a dullness, and some cynicism too, though i am content in living my life much of the time in stillness, and from a love of all things, and all people (most of the time!) , and allowing myself to live in a simple flowing and trusting sort of way, and encouraging others where | can, drawing on the wisdom i have drawn from my own experiences and paying attention to where I may be called to make adjustments in my life, and relationships. So maybe it is a period of complete surrender, a letting go of what has helped me in the past, an emptying out, in preparation for…….. for God to pull me back in whatever way he / she wishes…I am open to that . Thanks for writing this which has led me to actually write how things seem at the moment or try to, and in doing so to understand a little more and be at peace, and be patient.
I love hearing about your process and journey. I think the knowledge we need is already there within us. Sometimes the practices developed through the different traditions lead us to it, but as you say spending time in stillness, trusting that flow, is equally valid. Each person has their own calling. I think going through a process of surrender and emptying in preparation for and in trust of what’s next is so powerful, especially when the time is right. The heart knows. I wish you all the best in this. You’re very welcome for this piece. I mostly just share what’s coming through me currently. I guess it’s my own way of opening and surrendering to what’s next. Many blessings to you.