Many parents feel saddened when they hear a lie come out of their child’s mouth. It posed a question inside me – “What is it that prompts a child to not tell the truth when asked?” Well, we could all ask ourselves that very same question, because we really are no different than that child.
The answer is always fear.
Patterns get created very early in our lives, in our children’s lives. One negatively reactive response by a parent to a child’s action, sets a certain pattern, a certain form of karma that “returns”. Example: “Oh no, you broke my phone! How many times have I told you not to play with my phone!”
That reactive response by a parent is the (old) past that creates the future. That (past) pattern will meet the moment the next time a child does something that triggers a negative response in the parent. Additionally, and in that same respect, that past pattern will be there to unconsciously speak to the child (in their mind) in that moment. It will try to convince the child the necessity to lie because “look what happened last time”.
Past patterns are all laced with fear.
The reactive pattern of blaming, accusing and punishing a child creates a self-protecting, yet truly destructive desire to lie. A child cannot feel a certain safety in being honest when questioned when a parent speaks from a reactive response.
In order to break these old patterns in ourselves, a safe space, has to be given to a child in those unwanted moments.
I call this a “divine space” because there is a certain crucifixion that takes place in those moments when we must suffer ourselves, the part of us that is pushing us in the moment to lash out at our child for their so-called transgression.
When there is resistance that is held by the parent in the moment for what has taken place, it is fear that holds it there, and as such, it is fear that the child feels. When the child feels that fear, the child acts and responds from it. That is how fear proliferates itself in this world.
In the absence of Love (a Divine Space) there is always a form of fear.
So, it all boils down to personal responsibility of ourselves first and foremost. Where are we at in the moment? Are we present to ourselves or are we listening to voices of the past? Are we aware of what is pushing us to speak? Are we aware of what is pushing us to act? Are we suffering ourselves rightly for the sake of our child or another, which is the true meaning behind Christ’s crucifixion – the sacrificing of our self, our will, in favor of God’s.
Our true purpose in this life is to allow this Divine Space for all, because there is no other way to let the Divine Light in. When there is just an instantaneous reactive self, there is no space for the Divine because there has been an unconscious choice to fill that space with ourselves, our will, instead.
I can honestly say, from experience, that when you are able to allow that Divine Space for your child (or anyone), they will be honest with you. When that Divine Space is given, Divine Guidance enters. So, in a sense, you give your child what you yourself wish to be given. How beautiful is that? Divine reciprocity.
What speaks to your child (in their minds) in unwanted moments is the same thing that speaks to you. It is an intimate enemy that we have to learn to see through with divine eyes. How many times have you said or done something that was harmful to another because you listened to that voice? You can’t count them.
In understanding that, you can help your child in situations where you see that their choice was not really their own. There was simply no Divine Space given in those moments. There was simply an instantaneous unconscious agreement to what their mind fearfully told them to do or say.
If you work with your child on the importance of self-observation, they can then, early on, learn that there is Divine Guidance moment to moment for each and every one of us, but we must learn to suffer ourselves for the sake of it.
Giving a Divine Space in an unwanted moment entails a great deal of suffering, but that suffering is useful suffering because something new is created from it.
…and we all know the world could use a lot more “new.”